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Entries from February 2005

Anita Baker’s Man

February 28th, 2005 · No Comments

Patty cake. Patty cake. Baker’s man?
I start training tomorrow for a job at Heller’s Bakery, established 1928 (now under New Management). Training may or may not consist of wearing an apron and learning the appropriate way to ask somebody if they would like to supersize their cupcake. If you want free pastries, just challah. Apparently [...]

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My Email: Hacked

February 25th, 2005 · No Comments

Since Paris and Durst both got their accounts hacked this week, I figured I’d let everybody take a sneak peek into my personal e-mail account. This way, I can show that I’m not hiding anything scandalous that you’d be interested in. Except, of course for those compromising photos featuring me and Marion Barry.
The following is [...]

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Snoop McFly- The Champagne Cola Chronicle

February 24th, 2005 · No Comments

Snow days make me feel guilty. So do weekends. Why? Because these days are no different than normal days for me.
This forces me to look at the minutiae to differentiate the days from each other.
The other day was the day I discovered there is such a thing as Champagne flavored Cola.
Today was the day I [...]

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Q&A (alternatively titled Q& Not U)

February 21st, 2005 · 1 Comment

I was interviewed by a community newspaper today. Not to be in the news, but for a job.
After listening to the old white dude who was “interviewing” me talk about himself for 20 minutes, I was subjected to a “reporter’s test”.
“Do you have a pen and paper son?” he asked.
“Yes, sir. I am ready when [...]

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White House Chef

February 19th, 2005 · No Comments

The White House is looking for a new chef.
I’ve been watching Food Netwok a lot lately. Hmm…
I need a job, but I doubt my recipes could get the Presidential Seal of Approval.
I have the flu, by the way. Does diplomatic immunity extend to health? Where do I sign up?

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The Slack Album

February 18th, 2005 · No Comments

“Well you was doin’ 55 in a 54…”- Jay-Z
“Congrats, you typed 55 words per minute…”- Computer Screen
I took several technology literacy tests today during an intense job interview for a Temp Agency.
Clearly, my life is less exciting right now than Sean Carter’s. Unless, of course, Jay-Z is currently interviewing for data entry work at a [...]

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Comics. Classifieds. Obituaries.

February 16th, 2005 · No Comments

“Comics. Classifieds. Obituaries.”
That was the first sentence of a short story I once submitted for a writing contest. The rules of the contest were that you had to write a story inspired by a random Gedney black and white photo that they published in the school newspaper. The photo was from the special archives of [...]

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The Judeo-Christian Laettner

February 9th, 2005 · No Comments

I’ve been looking for new employment opportunities lately. In between taking practice LSAT tests, I scour Craigslist for interesting jobs. I think I found the best one yet: Fundraiser for Documentary Film.
“The film is a feature length documentary exploring Jewish basketball players and basketball’s Jewish roots.”
I’ve been trying to think of good one-liners for [...]

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Groundhog Day

February 3rd, 2005 · No Comments

We watched “Groundhog Day” in our 3rd Grade Sunday School Class. My teacher had a rather unorthodox approach to teaching Reform Judaism to say the least. On this particular day, I think she was using a Bill Murray comedy as a vehicle to discuss Judeo-Christian concepts of the Categorical Imperative, though I Kant be to [...]

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