My Email: Hacked

Since Paris and Durst both got their accounts hacked this week, I figured I’d let everybody take a sneak peek into my personal e-mail account. This way, I can show that I’m not hiding anything scandalous that you’d be interested in. Except, of course for those compromising photos featuring me and Marion Barry.

The following is an email sent to a friend of mine in Israel:

Jewfeld McNasty,
Avoid nightclubs. In fact, avoid people in general. It’s good advice. Not just for Israel, but for everywhere. Trust me. Also, don’t ride buses. And don’t leave your house. Ever. It’s just better this way. I promise. I haven’t left my house in nearly 2 weeks. I’m still unemployed.
The most difficult decision I have had to make in the past few weeks was buying a new toothbrush. It seems like every few months they add new features to oral hygiene products that are extremely important. It makes me wonder: why didn’t my teeth rot with my old skool no frills brush? I couldn’t decide if I needed the no-slip grip or the patented polishing system. Are they priced the same? I performed a cost-benefit analysis of ergonomics and economics until I got a headache. I proceeded to the pain reliever aisle and started all over again. Simple consumer decisions are a struggle when you simply have nothing else to do.
Jobs I applied for this week: cocktail server, baker, bartender, staff assistant, hotel bell boy. Jobs I nearly applied for this week: installing a urinal in somebody’s home bathroom, dressing up as cartoon character and walking around the mall. Which brings up the interesting question: can mascots use urinals? I didn’t think so.
I hope all is well in the land of milk and honeys.
=Me