My Very First Tuxedo

There are certain clothing purchases which act as major landmarks in one’s lifetime. The Superman pajamas. The bright red sweater that is only to be worn on school picture day. The Bar Mitzvah suit that is intentionally 2 sizes too big so it will still fit when you finally get your braces off and your voice drops two octaves. The last of these purchases is the tuxedo.
The tuxedo is monumental because it signifies that you’re done growing, which in my case means that I am living a lie (Why? Because when I filled out my driver’s license when I was 16, I wrote 5′9, icorrectly predicting another growth spurt). Everybody wears a tux to prom, but it’s usually rented because most people actually grow a bit more in college. Also, most people end up ruining the clothes they’re wearing on prom night.
Buying a tux is different than renting. If you wear it twice, you’ve already saved money from renting (I wish car rental had a similar pricing structure). Owning a tux is indicative that a lot of people are getting married around you, which means you can no longer casually look at Seventeen magazine without appearing extremely creepy (you’re getting old).
The great Western thinker Seinfeld once quipped that the reason all men wear the same thing to weddings is that if the bride feels like it, she can just get anybody to trade places with the groom. This almost happened to me at a wedding I went to last summer. The rabbi conducting the wedding accidentally said, “Do you take Mark to be your husband…”, except the groom’s name was Adam. So everybody turned around in their pews and gave me weird looks, like I was caught sleeping with the bride or something. Awkward.
When I talked to my friend Paul, who is getting married in a month, he gave me the only advice you will ever need to know about buying a tux. He said, “Two things. 1) They all look the same. 2) Whenever there is an occasion that you need to wear a tux to, there will always be lots of alcohol. That means everybody will be too drunk to know if you’re wearing a nice one or not.”
I wonder if everybody will be too drunk to notice my Superman cumberbun?

Immediately following this post, I ate Chinese food for dinner. Here’s my fortune…


… IN BED!
My fortune from the night before was so much better, but not quite as accurate.

Click to see me dressed up for prom in a tuxedo…
I’m wearing the shirt my Dad got married in this pic… Austin Powers, represent.