Manimals
Posted: June 29th, 2005 | Author: themarkpike | Filed under: Stuff |I went on a date to the zoo the other day. I thought it would be somewhat romantic to witness these majestic creatures, in captivity, humping each other and throwing their fecal matter at families on their summer vacations.
As we walked towards the entrance of the zoo, I asked her if she had ever heard that they used to have a man, a human being on display at the Bronx Zoo. She hadn’t heard that.
I thought that I could possibly impress my date with occasional displays of verbal dexterity and general punniness. When a kid pressed his pudgy face up against the glass Gorilla cage and a baby Gorilla kissed him through the glass, I said, “He should be careful. That’s how you get mono”. She didn’t laugh, even after I explained that “mono” is the kissing disease and it also means “monkey” in Spanish. She speaks Spanish, fluently.
A few minutes later, I somehow tried to make a joke about one of the elephant’s skin conditions. “He really needs to see a pachyderm-atologist”. Still no laughs. She told me she used to have bad acne, back when she was 21. She’s 27 and has beautiful skin. She teaches biology.
Perhaps the zoo wasn’t the best choice for a first date. Trying to lighten the mood, I told her about how I think it’d be a great business idea to sell “Vegetable Crackers” instead of “Animal Crackers” at pretentious organic grocery stores like Whole Foods. That elicited a giggle, and then she said sarcastically “Or you could sell ‘Human Crackers’ to cannibals”. I replied, “Uh, I think that’s why they make Gingerbread Men”, there was silence from her end, “but I guess you could repackage them and market it to another demographic if you want”. She’s a vegetarian, for political and psychological reasons.
At sunset, the zoo begins to close down. The animals are no longer on display and the humans inside run the risk of having the iron gates closed behind them at dusk.
We walk passed the rodents exhibit in silence. I guess this is how the otter half lives.
Click here for a critical article published about the zoo in today’s Wash Post…
I guess the folks in the newsroom read my blog last nite?
please read the comments for an editorial note from me…
Editorial note… It should go without saying that stories are embellished to maximize poetic effect. Names are changed to protect the innocent. These are the “pseudo-adventures of…” The title of this page refers to a children’s book character that takes pictures in her head with a photographic memory. My words are photoshopped snapshots; digital renderings of the vignettes of my life.
In reality, the date was as awkward as all first dates were. I thought I was using a poetic license in this posting to make me look like a big bumbling awkward nervous idiot. The date not laughing was not a function of her being dense at all (quite the contrary, she was quite sharp). I thought it was clear that she didn’t laugh at me because my jokes were lame. And now it has been brought to my attention that it’s possible to read this story 2 different ways. Trick photography, I guess.
Anyway, I guess there are certain issues that are raised when you write about people, even if you write about an extremely nebulous abstraction of them. I feel like my background education in Documentary Studies gives me a fairly good moral barometer of when it’s okay to write about something. I apologize if I ever offend anybody. Let me know if my stories are violations of any sort of privacy or trust. Over the past year, I think I’ve done a decent job with that.
And, please, Mom- next time just skip any post that seems to talk about my dating life. Thanks.
I haven’t been there in 2 years, but there used to be a website called “Am I an Otter or Not?”–a response to the slightly more popular “Am I Hot or Not?” It’s absolutely hilarious, and I’ve been convinced since last viewing it that there’s a good chance I’m an otter.
I probably could’ve left that last part out.
Good choice on the zoo as a first date.