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Dear Mark Pike,

Posted: July 15th, 2005 | Author: themarkpike | Filed under: Mark Pike News |

Dear Mark Pike,

First and foremost, allow me to introduce myself as a fellow “Mark Pike”. I feel a cosmic bond with you based solely upon our given names. All of that being said, there can only be one of us.

Please don’t take this as a threat, but merely a friendly contest amongst Mark Pikes. Google will only recognize one of us as the #1 Mark Pike, and I fully intend upon usurping the throne and keeping the top spot forever.

Currently, the #1 Mark Pike is none other than the former #94 of professional football’s Buffalo Bills franchise. Granted, you did record a franchise record 283 special teams tackles in your career, but you also managed to lose 4 consecutive Super Bowls. Losing 4 consecutive Super Bowls easily makes you the most consistent loser of all-time, although initiating a cyber Google contest might help me usurp that throne as well. I still have a tremendous amount of respect for you and I used to get a big kick out of seeing your name on television. If you happen to have an extra jersey, send it my way. I will wear it with pride and a great sense of poetic irony.

Next up, Dr. Mark Pike, the English professor from the University of Leeds. “Teaching Secondary English” seems to be selling fairly briskly on Amazon (ranked #2,878,475 in Books). Congrats on all of that! I would love to hear back from you with some of your thoughts on diachronic reading, or the synthesis of literary and learning theory. Actually, just kidding. But I really wouldn’t mind hearing an academic perspective on the egocentric practice of Googling oneself. Can’t wait to hear back from you!

Then there’s Major Mark Pike, serving in the Armed Forces overseas in Iraq and Afghanistan. On behalf of all the Mark Pikes everywhere, we wish you a safe return. You’re probably the handsomest Mark Pike (no offense to Dr. Mark Pike’s well-groomed mustache) but unfortunately for you this is a Google contest and not a beauty pageant.

I hope all of you will accept this challenge with the great sense of humor that all Mark Pikes must possess. Do you ever laugh when you do a Google image search and see a whole bunch of dudes named Mark holding up fish (pikes)? It’s hilarious. Try it out. Also, do any of you ever get called Mike by accident? I get that all the time from people who unintentionally splice the two names together. We should be happy we’re not all Mike Pikes. You should see the dorks that pop up on Google when you search that name.

Welcome to the exclusive club. We should have a reunion some time? No? Ok. Good luck. Have a wonderful life.
Love Always,
Mark Pike

p.s. Don’t end up like this Mark Pike.

6 Comments on “Dear Mark Pike,”

  1. 1 Anonymous said at 12:19 pm on July 16th, 2005:

    As someone who in high school had also put “the” in front of his name for written and spoken introductions, I know this dilemma all too well. There once was a time when I would come up first on Google–a simpler time when my only fellow Mike Sacks was a former college sportswriter and a Michael Sacks was the star of a 1970’s film adaptation of “Slaughterhouse Five.”

    But then this punk-ass freelance writer comes along, contributing quite frequently to Vanity Fair, New York Post, and McSweeney’s. In fact, I was very much surprised when my sister emailed me this link (http://www.newyorker.com/shouts/content/?040517sh_shouts) and asked if I wrote it. Then, for the next two weeks, I received similar queries. Now, this piece and that rat bastard are on top of the Mike Sacks google search.

    But what is second? Yes, it’s an interview with my usurper, but I do appear in it when the topic comes to our very googlegenic name. Actually, they put in a picture of me from when I was 17 and looking evil playing with my band at the time, God Complex. Even though they seemed to be making fun of me, at least I made an appearance.

    You are brave, Mark Pike, for waging war on your google higher-ups. As for me, I know my time will come.

    Rock.
    Mike Sacks

  2. 2 cm3 said at 9:54 pm on July 19th, 2005:

    I wish I could say the same for googling Carl Medley, and I do get scattered findings of some author, but ultimately I just go into the other room and locate my father, Carl Medley Jr., or call up my grandpa Carl Medley Sr. on the phone. Oh well, I guess that’s the way the google crumbles.

  3. 3 Paisha Pike said at 7:08 am on March 21st, 2007:

    Hello Mark Pike’s of the google world! I am the wife of Major Mark Pike! I must admit…MY Mark Pike is the most handsome of all the Mark Pike’s!! He is safely home from the craziness of the war. He served with the 228th FSB in Iraq. He came home with the Bronze Star…. Look I could go on and on to tell you HE is the #1 Mark Pike!! ha! One more thing…We always have a good laugh at what people mistakenly call him…. Mike Park, Mike Pike…People….it is easy…MARK PIKE!! Mark Pike…I love your sense of humor! Thanks! Paisha Pike…wife of Mark Pike #1!!

  4. 4 “Major” Mark Pike News said at 11:27 pm on March 21st, 2007:

    [...] might recall a previous post on this blog, challenging all of the Mark Pikes in the world to a Google challenge. Well, the wife of one of the [...]

  5. 5 Mark Pike Google Challenge Update said at 11:32 pm on March 21st, 2007:

    [...] few months ago I had the audacity to e-mail every Mark Pike that I could locate through Google, and challenge them to a Google ranking contest. Well, I didn’t really hear back from anybody, which I interpreted as an admission of defeat [...]

  6. 6 Molly said at 8:00 pm on March 22nd, 2007:

    sometimes I wish my name was Mark Pike

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