Cross Country Pt. 1

It began around 6:45am. Or maybe it didn’t, it’s hard to say when it’s a cross-country road trip. Perhaps it began when my friend Mari received an envelope with her acceptance from Berkeley a few months ago, or maybe it all began when I stumbled across some Kerouac several years ago. It’s always difficult to say when a journey begins or ends. I guess that’s why somebody invented the odometer.

1621.7 miles.

That’s what it says right now. We’re in Austin, Texas.

We left from Washington, DC just three days ago. I stopped along the way to attend my high school buddy Ian’s wedding in West Virginia. I imagine anytime somebody gets married in West Virginia, they have to be prepared for the jokes: Virginia is for lovers, West Virginia is for cousins.

Speaking of jokes, my good friend Gerard delivered a best man’s speech with zingers like “I just wanted to point something out here. 150 of us eating dinner here, and we somehow all ordered the same thing. It’s a miracle”. And, “Ian is a very thoughtful and charitable person. I’ll never forget the time he was going around and raising money in elementary school… to send Rebecca to Egypt… because he didn’t like her”. It was a beautiful ceremony and a nice beginning for all of us. Fortunately, we don’t have to drive cross-country with cans tied to our bumpers, and “Just Married” written all over our windows.

We drove through Appalachia in to the night. I waved to Abbingdon, Virginia, where my great-grandfather owned a store. Now, it’s a fluorescent truck stop oasis.

Our eyes got tired somewhere near Knoxville, so we stopped at an anonymous motel. We played a game called, “How many crimes do you think have been committed in this specific motel room?” I think the winning answer was, “Like, 11?” But honestly, there are no real winners in that game.

The next morning, I pretended I was a hitchhiker in the parking lot and Mari rolled down her window and asked, “Where you headed?” I said, “Berkeley.”
“Hop in”.

For the next 45 minutes we played another road trip game called, “Make innuendos that may or may not imply you’re a freaky hitchhiker serial killer”. “I own a sweater made out of human hair”, “That lake looks really deep”, etc. On a long road trip, you really do have to invent games to entertain yourself. This one kept our attention for a while until we realized that 104.9FM had played Toby Keith’s “How Do You Like Me Now”, 4 times in a row on repeat. The scenery looked very similar, so we worried our lives were being looped with a bad video edit. I changed the station, and luckily we made it to Nashville in time for a late breakfast.

I met my aunt and cousin at the world famous (?) Pancake Pantry just outside of Vanderbilt’s campus. The line wrapped around the building 4 people wide, as we all stood in the Tennessee sun sizzling like bacon on the pavement. The folks in front of us in line were debating the merits of a graduate level thesis about the dichotomy of identities in the Star Wars films. I wanted to interrupt with a Will Hunting-ish line like, “See, the sad thing about a guy like you is in 50 years you’re gonna staht doin some thinkin on your own and you’re gonna come up with the fact that there are two certaintees in life. One, don’t do that. And Two, you dropped a hundred and fifty grand on a freakin education you coulda got for a dollah fifty in late chahges at Blockbuster.” I didn’t though. Instead I went inside and ate the most delicious pancakes and eggs and bacon and I swear I saw Kenny Rogers eating a nearby table. You never know in Nashville.

Next stop: Memphis