Dodging Miss Daisy

Competition is the American way. It’s in our constitution somewhere, or maybe not. I’m not a constitutional scholar, so how would I know? Get off my back. What I do know is that there’s nothing this country loves more than witnessing pure, athletic, awesomeness. That is why I have decided to join a Dodgeball league at the local Jewish Community Center.

Well, I haven’t officially joined yet. Apparently, there are all sorts of forms and registration fees and waivers that I have to fill out. Also, you have to recruit at least 5 other people. It’s pretty tough to convince that many people to play Dodgeball, especially in an organized league. I love a good challenge.

I sent out a recruitment e-mail. I tried to be as motivational as possible. I wrote: “I can think of no better stress relief than throwing things as fast as possible at people that look like me at the JCC. Oh, and I bet if we go in the locker rooms, we can see shriveled old people anatomy. No need to thank me for the mental imagery.” I think I even won some folks over with that line, but then there was the piece de resistance- the proposed TEAM NAMES.

If you can get somebody to visualize an amazing team jersey, one that they will wear for years to come (that is, until their girlfriend’s pet bichon decides that newspapers are way too working class, and relieves itself all over your awesome ringer tee), well then they will be a teammate of yours forever. And so, I sent out a few team names and slogans to help my fellow he-bros marinate on the idea:

Shofar Shogood
Matzah Balls
Maccabi All You Can Be
Me First and the Gimmel Gimmels
Rosh Hashanahnah, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye
Hit or Bris

In other news, I was recently recruited for my company’s softball team. Despite racking up a 3-5 record earlier this summer, before I was employed, they somehow made the DC playoffs. As a liberal think tank, the team is fittingly called “The Left-fielders”. I think I fit in well there. I just hope we play the Senate Majority Leader’s office in the championship, so I can do a Capitol Hill Abbott and Costello routine. “Who’s on Frist?”

Don’t ask me. I’m no constitutional scholar- just an artful dodger.