Dear Ralph Nader…

This is a fake letter I wrote on the NFL Commissioner’s behalf in response to a real letter Ralph Nader wrote. It does not necessarily reflect how I personally feel.

Dear Messr. Nader,

Thank you so much for your letter. We hadn’t heard from you in a while. In fact, I think the last time you wrote, you had an inquiry about the quality of meat we use for our “pigskin”. Did we ever get back to you about that? Sorry. Things get busy around here with all the games and whatnot.

We certainly appreciate your renewed interest in professional football. It’s been said before that the game of football most closely resembles the world of politics; constant struggles for territory, rigid rules, referees and judges, fierce allegiancies. But, I guess you wouldn’t know too much about politics. You seem to be out of that game on a regular basis.

I find it slightly odd that you have aligned yourself with Terrell Owens, yet at the same time you claim that you’re on the side of the fans as a consumer advocate. You stated:

There is, as well, a consumer issue at stake here. Fans have purchased tickets for Eagles’ games, in Philadelphia and elsewhere, on the assumption that they will see one of the game’s most exciting receivers, so long as he is healthy enough to play.

This appears to be a very revealing assumption on your part. You see, in the end, the fans pay good money to root for the names on the front of the jersey, not the back of the jersey. The inability to see what’s in the best interest for a group of people, united by a common goal, as opposed to what is the best option for an individual can be described as myopic at best. It represents a dangerous greed that is counterintuitive to the very goals you have advocated so much in the past.

I know you’re mainly contending that this is a free speech issue. Everybody has the right to say what they want. But we don’t have to be forced to agree with them, whether at debate podiums or ESPN press conferences. Donovan McNabb practiced his free speech rights best, “We win and lose as a team.” T.O. refused to unite himself with his team’s common goal and put his own interests above his teammates. He doesn’t deserve to play a team sport. His suspension signifies the death of the contaminated “hot dog” in American sports. You’re down with that, right?

Sincerely,
Paul Tagliabue

P.S. Stop writing me about “Cadillac Williams.” He’s not an actual car. He’s a player. No need to worry about consumer saftey issues there.

Ed. note: Ralph, I really believe you’re a good guy, but you need a reality check. T.O. is not the cause you need to be fighting for right now. Look around. There’s a lot of other stuff to be pissed about.