A Thanksgiving speech, delivered (fictionally) to a nationwide television audience after receiving the Norman Rockwell Award for Awesomeness 2005:

Oh man. WOW! This is such a surprise. I just wanted to say what I’m thanful for, listed with no relation to order of importance. Ummm. Where do I even start?

Modern medicine, mid-century modern furniture, avocados, family, the novels of Kurt Vonnegut, the smell of suede, Fabreeze™, 3 of the 4 elements of hip-hop, fantasy league sports, my health, shabbat dinner at friend’s houses, the mini-skirt, Dr. Bronner’s soap, Jon Stewart, foreign accents, domestic accents, eBay™, public transportation, Pepto Bismol™, friends, argyle, the month of May, employment, gravity, not being allergic to peanuts, Jay-Z and Beyonce, filtered water…

[*10 seconds left*]

…affordable health care, Johannes Gutenberg, Steve Gutenberg, the smell of cooking bacon…

[*Band begins playing*],

…My Mom, Dad, Sister, Grandparents, true love, Orange Juice with added Vitamin D, and anything else I forgot to mention! You know who and what you are! I’m so thankful! Happy Thanksgiving!

[Cut to commercial about Black Friday shopping]